I cracked the lid of my left eye.  Yep, Talon was still sitting there before the fire.  Sigh…….

I closed my eye and tried to again enter the meditative state.

There are lessons.  Then there are lessons.

The latter you always remember.  Or should.  Sound.  One of the earliest took me a long time to learn it. The right sound at the right time.  A whispered sigh….a slight moan.  The perfect grunt…..maybe a breath of laughter.  A scream, a whimper.  All were tools.  All were lessons.

I’d grown soft.    Forgot briefly the harshness of this shitty life.  I mean, I still used those lessons, but for fun, or as a typical jake.  Not for the original reasons.  Then, I’d wanted to please Master Derek, sick fuck, at least at first.  That, of course, was the first reason. Easy reasons.  Soon enough, fear.   Fear and pain became my world.  I learned the lesson of sound.  When to make it, and what sound to make.  Ironic then, I suppose, that I couldn’t make one when it really mattered.

Sigh…..I know she’s still there waiting, ignoring my fidgeting. 

After Talon tracked me down that first time, I think she recognized what I had become.   Where I was headed. Not magically, because of course she recognized that, but the fear.   The habit of fear.

She’s taught me a lot the last few years.  I don’t know why.  I’ve asked, couple times anyway.  Some drek about her path to Raven.  Well, to be honest, it’s not drek, not for her.  I’m sure its the truth too, it just doesn’t mean much to me.  Well, I mean it does, but it doesn’t give an answer.  Anyway, I stopped asking, for now.

What I meant, is one of the first things she taught me, after she gave me some food, a shower, and some clean clothes was how to meditate.  To center myself.  Clear the mind, Focus.  Whatever fucking terms mundanes try to come up with to explain the beauty of magic.    In some ways, it was easy.  In others, it totally fucking sucked ass.  The problem was that I’d already learned how to center myself.  I used to escape into my mind for a lot of reasons.  Mainly to escape the pain and fear.  But also in dreams and those rare times when sex had been purely for pleasure, the peace and comfort had allowed me to jump into the astral or even the dream planes.  The problem was that it took a long time to fix, because those were the only times I could find the center.  None of which, besides dreaming, was Talon ever going to use to teach me.  Not that I knew that then.  Now, yea. It took me a long time though to break most of those habits.  At least well enough to move on to the next lessons.

When I got here yesterday, I couldn’t focus.  Basic shit.   I’ve spent the last twenty-four hours trying to find the peace to fucking move on.  Meditation.  Still here I sit.  But, this is important.  She’s still sitting here next to me too.  Safety.

Peace

Dinner.  Real salmon.  Cheesecake with real strawberries.  I’d taken Jon and Dana to a new sushi place in Aurora.  To celebrate the promotion for Deviant Assault.   Then we’d returned to their apartment.   I wasn’t really paying attention when I left for Talon’s the next morning.  Three weeks of intensive training.  Then the weekend Patricia and I had scheduled.  I guess I was daydreaming.  Peaceful.  Maybe happy.    

I’m not sure why, but I didn’t call a car.  Seemed like a good idea to walk.  Should have been my first hint, there’s no way to walk to Talon’s except in desperation and with a lot of time.  

Rage

I walked…..then walked some more.  Damn, it’s cold.  I hadn’t really dressed to walk during March in Chicago.  Why the fuck would I?  Stupid idea to have started to walk so I raised my comm to call a car.  Or I tried.  My arms kept still, except for the slight motion as I walked…..and walked.  I went to turn left at the corner to head home to my flat and walked straight through the intersection.  

I panicked first, trying to yell out anything to the people walking by me, oblivious to my actions.  Then, well, anger, rage.  I could feel the flames working towards me, like I did on that night all those years ago. 

I screamed, but no one heard a sound.  I fought, but no one saw me move a muscle, not even a twinge of the eye.   I lost it then, if only in my mind I guess.  Flashes of a wild mustang charging the corral bars rampaged through my mind.  The rage came, the fire came . . .  and it warmed me to where I felt like I was sweating acid.  Time blurred and still I walked.  I’m not really sure how long it took, as I battered at the restraints, hours trapped in my mind.  Finally, I tried to jump to the astral plane to get to Talon.  I tried.  I swore, and yelled, and screamed in rage against the locks on my mind.  

Exhaustion

Not sure whether the mental exhaustion was greater than the physical after hours of walking through the city or battering at the barriers around my mind.    I felt pathetic relief at finally arriving at a destination as I turned into the warehouse.  I’m not really sure how the hell I walked through everything, including lower Roohimp without being molested but nobody bothered me. Not even as I entered the building.  

Music, sweet, haunting music of stringed instrument.  Somewhere deep in the recesses of my mind I recognized the solemnity of a cello.  Weariness and fury clogged my mind as the woman approached.  The hood of the robe cloaked her face, but the garment couldn’t hide her femininity as she swayed towards me.  Something pulled at my mind, some hint of familiarity, but when she raised her arms, all six arms, hope died on the echoing notes of the dirge……

TO BE CONTINUED……