The wind howled outside the bedroom’s windows. Light freezing rain had begun to clatter against the balcony about thirty minutes ago.

I wanted to pretend that’s why I was standing here, silk robe draped loosely over my shoulders. Whatever may have happened recently,  casual nudity still made Patricia uncomfortable at times. Even if she was asleep, besides, it had been a gift. The team’d probably laugh. No sash because you had to draw the line somewhere.

I should be out, slumbering like the dead, although not sure how much the dead stay asleep anymore, but that’s a different worry.

Secrets, omae. Worry, guilt, you name it chummer, it was keeping me awake, even after the reunion activities of the night.

Twenty chronos ago the trideo’s muted three flashes signaled the middle of the night. Didn’t use to matter, course. As little as a year ago, hell, even after I met the team, this’d been time to leave and get paid.

I’d trekked over here in the cold a few hours ago, well, decision made. I was going to tell her. But, well, one thing led to another and we’d skipped dinner, and moved straight to dessert. So, I didn’t tell her. Or ask her. Because, well, secrets, omae. What happens when its not a secret anymore? What’s the biggest risk? Telling her that she was sleeping with a nightrunner? A murderer? A fairly powerful, if unskilled, yea I can admit it, shaman? Ruining the facade?  Big words, yea, but I been studying drekhead.  Or her finding out all that drek on her own? Maybe in a bad way because I wasn’t careful enough and brought it back here again. Although I guess, again, ain’t quite right, I didn’t bring that fragging spirit back here, I don’t give a crap what the team said. Those astrally deprived slags just believed those fucking nightmares in the Z.

FUCK! – More endless arguing with myself. Probably didn’t help that I couldn’t tell who was winning. Maybe we were all losing.

Anyway, secrets, chummer. We all had them. Did it matter that I didn’t want to kill anyone, not really? Well, maybe that troll bitch if I ever find her again that tortured me and my friends a few years ago, well, and yea, maybe that pschotic bitch’s crazy four armed drekbag that mind raped me, maybe I’d make some exceptions. But most of the time, I was just protecting myself, well, and the team. Yea, I mean, Rennie’s really the one that wanted to kill everyone, just out of hand.

A few months ago – well, I’d dreamed of being where I stood today. A warm place out of the cold, enough food, a beautiful girl, well, maybe a couple of them and a guy too, but still. Normalcy. Maybe enough magic to help some people, more power. A family, a regular job. Nuyen.

I had all that, and more, now. A top floor corner condo. In a decent part of downtown. Multiple IDs, some fairly legit. Money, more money than I’d ever had for sure. Good food, sex and companionship when I wanted it. A pretty girl, well, two and a pretty man too. Magical power – I was pretty good. Sure, I could use more, but I could heal alot of things. I can make you forget I was ever here. Make you wanna tell me all. Even hold my own in a duel if necessary, probably.

Even a family. With a business, and a base of operations, weird right?

And if they all knew about each other? If the threads became tangled? If Rennie’s vengeance got out of hand? If Eagle’s crazy got out of hand? Tavi’s background – who knew if it was really real. Maveryck’s girl’s dad the badge? Now Z. More importantly, what about that crazy Mauser? Was he worth it?

Secrets, omae. That’s why I was standing here, looking out the window, instead of sawing zee’s.   What was more important?

The trideo flashed five times in the background.

Secrets, chummer. Secrets.